“Excuse me, miss. What does acorn taste like?”
“I’m sorry, sir, can you repeat that?”
“I was just wondering what acorn tastes like. I’m usually a black coffee guy, but I’m not sure I can pass on the Toasted Acorn Latte.”
“You know, you’re the first to ask me that. We just launched it yesterday.”
“So what’s it like?”
“Nutty.”
“Nutty? What sort of nutty? I’ve never eaten an acorn, so you’ll have to help me out. Is it like a walnut?”
“More almond than walnut, definitely. But it’s sweeter than an almond.”
“So a Brazil nut?”
“Not exactly. Brazil nuts are a little too creamy. The acorn has more substance than that.”
“I’ll take your word for it then. A non creamy, extra sweet almond. Can I try one?”
“Try one? We actually don’t carry the acorns in the store.”
“Then how do you toast them?”
“Well, the toasted flavoring is just that – a flavoring. We don’t actually toast the acorns here.”
“You don’t toast the acorns… So then how do you know that the flavor profile is correct? What if I go home and toast an acorn, and find it tastes nothing like your Toasted Acorn Latte?”
“That’s a risk we’re willing to take. And maybe your acorns aren’t ripe.”
“Acorns aren’t ripe? How do I know if my acorns are ripe? If they’ve fallen from the tree, then surely they’re ripe?”
“Actually, those are too far gone. You need nuts plucked fresh from the branches, then toasted. But if they’re too fresh, they won’t cook properly. It’s a really delicate process.”
“So where do you get yours?”
“Ours come from a small, local farm upstate. They do everything right there, from the fresh, mountain water feeding the roots to the soft basket they collect the nuts in. You really can’t replicate it.”
“I can’t replicate it? So you’re telling me you’re the only acorn game in town?”
“Pretty much. Unless you want to do a lot of heavy lifting. But even then, I think you’ll be disappointed.”
“Ok, you’ve sold me. One large, Toasted Acorn Latte. Please make it exactly as you like to drink it.”
“Oh, I don’t like it.”
“You don’t like it?”
“No, no, it’s far too nutty. And I don’t like toast, so that’s another problem.”
“You don’t like toast? At all? Have you ever had sourdough toast?”
“We could do this for days, but I’ll save you the effort. I don’t like any toast.”
“I’ve never heard of that affliction before.”
“Affliction?”
“Well sure, that seems like an affliction to me. Mostly because you can’t try your Toasted Acorn Latte.”
“Right, the drink. Here you go.”
“What was THAT?”
“What was what?”
“That… stuff you pumped into my drink.”
“Oh, that’s our toasted acorn flavoring.”
“Toasted acorn flavoring? What about the farm, and the water, and the baskets?”
“Oh, that’s all true – read the label.”
“The label? But this says Made in China!”
“Exactly. Upstate China.”
“Well I’ve never heard of Upstate China before.”
“Me neither, but acorns are one of their chief exports.”
“So how do they toast it?”
“How do they toast what?”
“The acorns! At what point in the process of bottling a sugary, flavored syrup are they toasting the acorns?”
“I wouldn’t know – I don’t like toast.”
“I know you don’t like toast! But surely you know what you’re putting into the drink you’re calling a Toasted Acorn Latte… I’m starting to think there are no toasted acorns in this thing at all!”
“I’m not sure I like where you’re going with this line of questioning, sir. That bottle says Toasted Acorn Flavoring. Do you see that?”
“Well, yea, I see that. But—”
“And it says acorns fed with fresh mountain water, and collected in the softest baskets. Do you see that?”
“Yea I see that! But—”
“Then I’m not sure what you’re upset about, to be honest. Unless you have something against the Chinese?”
“Against the Chinese? No, not at all! I’m just not sure how you can possibly believe that this bottle of goo is somehow derived from organic, ripe, toasted acorns. It just doesn’t make sense.”
“The company never said anything about organic.”
“Oh, for Christ’s sake. Just give me the drink.”
“What do you think?”
“Tastes like toasted acorns.”