Anne and I celebrated our one-year wedding anniversary in August, a milestone that brought with it a natural question: What has changed since we got married?
We lived together for three years before the big day, so we avoided the common growing pains of being first-time roommates. Anne already knew I made a mess of the bathroom sink, and I already knew she loaded the dishwasher incorrectly.
Instead, the biggest difference I’ve felt since getting married is the strength of our commitment. We’re able to make long-term investments in our joint future because – between our vows and our legal union – we have serious skin in the game. Here are some examples:
- Getting our dog Toby
- Planning for children
- Integrating our families
Out of all the paths our lives could take, we’ve both decided to take this one. The other doors we didn’t choose are now closed. And that’s okay.
As Chris Ballas says:
“The goal of adulthood is to let go of the other possible existences and to make the best of the one. A successful adult is one who understands that it doesn’t matter which life you ultimately pick, only that you live it well.” (emphasis mine)
Now that Anne and I are married, we can devote our full energy to living this life well, rather than evaluating whether this life is the right one.
This makes me wonder: Where else could we benefit from this type of commitment?
- What if we had to stick with our employers for the next 30 years?
- What if we had to put down roots somewhere and stay?
- What if we could only choose one hobby for life?
How would we approach our lives differently?
Modern wisdom encourages us to do the opposite. Switch jobs often. Move to exciting new cities. Dabble in many different hobbies. For those who have the resources to do so, this advice is appealing – particularly in the early stages of adulthood when the right path is not clear.
At a certain point, it’s worth evaluating what is lost by refusing to commit. The search for the right path comes at the expense of the mostly right path we’re already on, a trade-off that might not be worth it. If we are constantly re-evaluating our options with an eye to something better, how can we:
- Build strong relationships at work and develop expertise?
- Become a contributing member of our communities?
- Go deep into something we care about and master our crafts?
My hunch is that, with one foot out the door, we are much less willing to make the types of long-term investments required to truly take advantage of our life choices. Often, our unwillingness to commit may be the very thing holding us back. A lack of work friends is as much a symptom of refusing to open up as it is of being at the wrong company.
All this requires is a shift in mindset. First look to improve upon the current situation, then pivot if needed. In a world that encourages us to constantly re-evaluate, our order of operations has been flipped on its head.
Remember Adam Grant’s advice to Wharton’s Class of 2011:
“When you fall in love, don’t keep looking for someone better.“
– Emmett
What I’m Reading:
What Recession – Jack Raines, Young Money
“Two worlds exist: the world that you read about online, and the world that you live in every single day.”
A Brief for the Defense – Jack Gilbert (poem)
“But we enjoy our lives because that’s what God wants.
Otherwise the mornings before summer dawn would not
be made so fine.”
What I’m Listening To:
Rose Tattoo – Dropkick Murphys (Spotify, Youtube)
Whitney Johnson on Smart Growth for Leaders and Teams – Elevate Podcast